Sunday, January 11, 2009

stay at home mom

my wife has been staying at home since the birth of our first child two and a half years ago. her dream has always been to stay at home with the kids. i am thrilled she has been able to this because i too like that she is able to stay home.

however back on september 1st my company had a salary reduction for all employees. it was a percentage depending on how much you make and i got hit 10%. this was so my company didnt have to lay anyone off. it really stunk but i am thankful i still have a job.

then about two months ago i was told i could no longer drive my own vehicle and had to rent and expense the car and gas. this one hurt worse than the first one. i drive a lot. i cover OK and all of west texas and can drive anywhere from 700-1700 miles a week and when the gov raised the mileage reimbursement to $.58.5 my weekly bill could get up to $900. so renting a car for $200 a week plus 3-4 fill ups is way cheaper than paying me to drive my own car. So needless to say this cost me around $20k, roughly.

so now we are in a predicament that sucks for the wife and the kids. needless to say she will have to go to work and have some sort of income to compensate for my loss of income.

this hurts because i travel 4 days out of the work week so she doesnt have to work and can stay home with the kids. i am in sales and can get bonuses that will help, but my bonuses that i get and have gotten have over 30% taken out for taxes. this sucks and it makes me really angry. i work my tail off for this money and have it taken away so i can pay for people who need wellfare and all that other crap. i wish i had known about the taxes on bonuses because it really would have played a BIG part of my decision to move from technical services to sales.

let me tell you i am NOT looking forward to my wife's emotions that she is going to have when she starts working. it looks like a great friend may be hooking her up with a great job (career) that has a great atmoshpere, and most importantly something that she will actually enjoy. But she is going to be a wreck for a couple of weeks dropping off the kids and not being around them all day. it really does hurt my heart greatly and going to take some praying to get past the new change even on my end of the deal.

i can only pray samara will like it and not effect her too much. she loves to play with friends and is always asking to go play with her friends. today she asked if she could go play with conner who is a really good friend of hers. she was sick so she didnt get to go she conner at church today and you can really tell she misses him. so sweet. and i am also hoping that once the wife gets to socialize and be around adult people she will like it because she does not get that very often.

i just hope it works out for the kids and the wife. but what do you do? if she doesnt work we will eventually lose everything. it honestly makes me feel like i am failing at supporting my family. i love my job and have gained to much experience to change fields. and it is so hard to find a job right now too. i keep telling myself to keep putting in the dirty work and maybe one day i can do what i do here in the metroplex and get to stay home every night.

life is not easy and sometimes we have to do things we dont want to do. i just hope and pray that my family, and most important to me, my wife, can stay emotionally together. of course i will take the role off, "it will get better over time," and, "its gonna be okay baby." but this will not be easy for me either. some strange lady my in law and wife know watching my baby girl and my son is NOT that appeasing to me. in fact i run through all the negative things in my head that she could do to make me really mad, that will make me want to throw something at her dome, has made not like her already and i havent even met her. i know thats not good but if something happens to them or she lays a hand on them in the wrong way i am not sure i could contain myself. i guess i just need to grow up. stinks for the lady because i already dont like her because off all the things i play out in my mind. but she may be the only one we can afford so i guess i better start trying to like her.

anyway i will be praying that everything works out.

Monday, January 5, 2009

forgivng myself part 2

so after realizing i was not going to qualify for a scholarship i had no idea what i was going to do. i think it never really set in fully what had happened. i had been dating a girl from high school for awhile and remember wanting to stay around town to be close to her. you know the high school puppy love stage.

i did enroll at Northlake College and was going to play ball and maybe get a transfer after a year, but that did not work. i went to one off season practice at the beginning of the year and never went back. there were old white guys who could barely dribble the basketball trying to play and i remember leaving the practice thinking i will never come back to this gym.

let me explain the most important and relevant reason i decided to quit. the actual school work. i had been going to classes for a few weeks and new in my gut i was not going to be able to make the grades, and good enough to transfer.

remember in part one when i said i did nothing in high school as far as school work? well it caught up to me in a big way. i did not have the basic skills and knowledge that it took for college. looking back i know i was not stupid, but i just lacked the skills. so any teachers who pass kids so they can play are only hurting them WORSE in the long run. i am very passionate about that topic. i am not blaming my teachers and i know the responsibility was mine, but being a teenage punk i could have used a good ass whoopin.

i ended up not playing ball again. i never finished the first semester of college and starting working. looking back i had no direction and had no idea what i was doing. my girl friend from high school was a year younger than me and graduated early so we could be together. we got enganged shortly after that and ended up getting an apartment together. i remember being miserable and so mean to her. i really feel bad for the girl looking back on it because i was a jerk. i had no idea how to treat a women.

funny thing is my wife has a similar background in that she also lived with her high school boyfriend from highs school at his parents house. it is really cool how the good Lord worked out our path to meet and how our past are very similar in many ways.

the girl eventually had enough of me and we broke up and went our separate ways. i had a bunch of dead end jobs and was killing myself inside for the way my life had gone. more than anything NOT playing ball. i didn't touch a basketball for the longest time. years. i can not describe in words how i felt about myself and my decisions to goof off in high school thinking it was just one big party, or something you just had to get thru.

every decision you make, even at a young age, effects your future. i had no idea how important high school was and how important grades were. if you read the depression-bi polar post it will explain in more detail why i had a hard time in school, but its not an excuse. i can remember getting a 17 on my history final at the end of my senior year. i still have no idea why my teacher gave me a 70 for the semester so i could graduate. wow....

looking back if i had been able to get a scholarship there is NO way i would have made the grades at a 4yr school. i had no discipline and probably would not have ever made it to class. lol.

so around 2001-02 i was driving a lemo for one of my brothers best friend who had his own company and 2 lemos. this was the worst time in my life. most of my jobs driving were people my brothers friend knew, so they were younger and . knew how to party like i had never seen. i always got to attend the parties or do whatever the group did. i was doing drugs and drinking most of the time, and yes driving a lemo at the same time. i was super depressed and just a misereable person.

the last job i drove was life changing for me. make a long story short i started packing due to the nature of the night life and how most jobs went. lots of stupid drunks out there. anyway i was sitting in the lemo alone and looked at the 357 and had some not so good thoughts go thru my mind. it scared me beyond words can describe. i had enough. He finally broke my knees. I was so tired of doing things on my own and shouldering so much weight. i never drove the lemo again.

my brother took me to Fellowship Church in Grapevine the next Sunday and I rededicated my life to my Savior.

funny thing i just NOW have gotten over not playing ball in college and letting it go.

final installment to come soon..........

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Sunday, December 28, 2008


Well i anticipated the game today more than any in a long time. i love the win or go home situations in sports because it brings out the best in players, and the worst if you live in the dallas, ft. worth area.

as soon as oakland beat tampa bay i knew it was not going to be good for the girls. that meant if philly won they were in the playoffs too. everything had to go right for the eagles to have the shot of playing to get in the playoffs and it happened.

i was a romo lover until and old friend from high school pointed out that romo had not done anything in a big game or after november. a light went off in my head. dang he is right. and ever since then i have not looked at romo the same since then.

go back and look at romo's performance in all the big games the last two years. not very good is giving romo too much credit. after today it is going to be hard to be a girls fan until there is a new QB in town. i truly believe romo just cant handle the pressure. he says all the right things and answers the questions like you would hope he would, but he stinks in the big games on the field.

i know there are other players and he is not solely responsible for the girls not being able to play in dec and jan, but the NFL is all about the QB.

you can just tell during the game today that he looked scared and not confident. there are certain mannerisms that players do when the get scared or back down from a fight. it happened to players on my teams throughout the years and one comes to mind right off the bat. i had a point guard in high school who was one of the best point guards i had played with. he was really good and i was soooo excited to play with him, but when it came to the actual game time he was no were to be found. he just got scared and didn't play the same way.

i am not saying romo is that bad, but so far he has not handled the pressure in the big spot light for the big games. he will be great during the regular season, but he will continue to make the throws that have you wondering why in the heck did he throw it. the last two games, both of which would have birthed the girls into the playoffs, he threw several jump balls that were severely under thrown and not even CLOSE to the receiver.

the good news is regarding the wife because this off season and starting next season my anticipation and anxiety concerning the girls will be at an all time LOW.

Either romo has to go or jason garret. romo blamed the scheme for the last two games including the eagles game today on the poor offensive play saying the league had caught up to jasons scheming and he has not adjusted.

my point is you don't see the arizona cardinals not getting the ball to fitzgerald and boldin. two #1 receivers putting up HUGE numbers and catching the ball everywhere. why cant the girls do that?

romo or garret needs to go.........

Saturday, December 27, 2008

forgiving myself part 1

Sports have been a part of my life since I can remember. From the first hoops memory playing in church in the RA’s (royal ambassador) basketball league in elementary school all the way thru high school, sports pretty much dominated my life.

If I had a dollar for every time I hit a baseball or took a jump shot practicing I would no longer have to work for a living. My dad always had us practicing. It’s just what we did.

Unfortunately all that I had accomplished through high school came to an abrupt end. I have never been able to forgive myself for that. I will do my best to explain what that means.

Over the years I got to play Brazil, Japan, and many other cool countries in the select baseball world series. I also got to play hoops with some of the best players in the country while playing in some of the most prestigious tournaments.

It has been an on going battle since I graduated high school. Everything I worked on and all the hard hours of practicing were so that one day I could get an athletic scholarship to college. My parents didn’t have the ability to pay for college and getting an athletic scholarship was the only way to go.

While growing up sports were first, and sports were second. Unfortunately for me school work was never a priority or pushed by my parents. My freshman year I went to Eastern Hills High in funky town, East Ft. Worth, smack dab in the hood. When I was recruited to play hoops at Coppell High it was like jumping from high school to college academically. I was SOOO lost and behind. Not to mention the huge demographic change of being one of two white guys (brother #2) in the entire hoops program at Eastern Hills to only 5 blacks in the entire school at Coppell. I also struggled mightily with the female population since there were very few white girls at Eastern Hills.

I can’t tell you how many times my teachers passed me so I could play ball. It got to where I knew the teachers would pass me so I just floated thru classes. I was an office aid my senior year and I would write my own absent notes from my parents so I could skip anytime I wanted. I had the system down pat. I ended up missing over 25 classes and had to make them up in the summer just to graduate.

I had a rough time playing hoops at Coppell. My first year there I flunked Algebra 2 and couldn’t play until the second report card came out. My junior year I broke a bone in my right foot and had to have a screw inserted so I could play that season. I probably missed half the games we played my sophomore and junior year. I was still able to do my thing and get all the top awards from district and the region. I was always either offensive player of the year or MVP of the region. I was getting letters from USC, UT, Vanderbilt, and several D-1 schools. Considering your sophomore and junior year are when you are recruited the most I was very lucky and blessed. I am sure my mom has a box in the attic with all my letters and recruiting stuff. To this point it has been too painful to get them out and look at them. I used to hang certain ones on my wall so I would continue to work out and get better. It’s just too bad I didn’t take that work ethic in the classroom.

My senior season came to end in the playoffs and it was time to figure out what I was going to do and where I might go to school. I signed a letter of intent to play hoops and was well on my way to going to college. One thing I had to do was take the SAT. I had been putting it off because at that time I didn’t realize how important it was. I mean my senior year was almost halfway over and I hadn’t taken the SAT once. I hadn’t even taken a practice test or studied for it. Needless to say, I bombed it and scored so low I didn’t qualify to get an athletic scholarship. To be continued…….

Friday, December 26, 2008

saming playing with phone

my little angel! NO BOYS! EVER!

reagan's dad dressed in her grandfather's old santa suit. he surprised the kids on Christmas Eve. samara was scared and would not sit on santa's lap but happy spencer got one decent photo out of it.
happy holidays!
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