Sunday, January 11, 2009

stay at home mom

my wife has been staying at home since the birth of our first child two and a half years ago. her dream has always been to stay at home with the kids. i am thrilled she has been able to this because i too like that she is able to stay home.

however back on september 1st my company had a salary reduction for all employees. it was a percentage depending on how much you make and i got hit 10%. this was so my company didnt have to lay anyone off. it really stunk but i am thankful i still have a job.

then about two months ago i was told i could no longer drive my own vehicle and had to rent and expense the car and gas. this one hurt worse than the first one. i drive a lot. i cover OK and all of west texas and can drive anywhere from 700-1700 miles a week and when the gov raised the mileage reimbursement to $.58.5 my weekly bill could get up to $900. so renting a car for $200 a week plus 3-4 fill ups is way cheaper than paying me to drive my own car. So needless to say this cost me around $20k, roughly.

so now we are in a predicament that sucks for the wife and the kids. needless to say she will have to go to work and have some sort of income to compensate for my loss of income.

this hurts because i travel 4 days out of the work week so she doesnt have to work and can stay home with the kids. i am in sales and can get bonuses that will help, but my bonuses that i get and have gotten have over 30% taken out for taxes. this sucks and it makes me really angry. i work my tail off for this money and have it taken away so i can pay for people who need wellfare and all that other crap. i wish i had known about the taxes on bonuses because it really would have played a BIG part of my decision to move from technical services to sales.

let me tell you i am NOT looking forward to my wife's emotions that she is going to have when she starts working. it looks like a great friend may be hooking her up with a great job (career) that has a great atmoshpere, and most importantly something that she will actually enjoy. But she is going to be a wreck for a couple of weeks dropping off the kids and not being around them all day. it really does hurt my heart greatly and going to take some praying to get past the new change even on my end of the deal.

i can only pray samara will like it and not effect her too much. she loves to play with friends and is always asking to go play with her friends. today she asked if she could go play with conner who is a really good friend of hers. she was sick so she didnt get to go she conner at church today and you can really tell she misses him. so sweet. and i am also hoping that once the wife gets to socialize and be around adult people she will like it because she does not get that very often.

i just hope it works out for the kids and the wife. but what do you do? if she doesnt work we will eventually lose everything. it honestly makes me feel like i am failing at supporting my family. i love my job and have gained to much experience to change fields. and it is so hard to find a job right now too. i keep telling myself to keep putting in the dirty work and maybe one day i can do what i do here in the metroplex and get to stay home every night.

life is not easy and sometimes we have to do things we dont want to do. i just hope and pray that my family, and most important to me, my wife, can stay emotionally together. of course i will take the role off, "it will get better over time," and, "its gonna be okay baby." but this will not be easy for me either. some strange lady my in law and wife know watching my baby girl and my son is NOT that appeasing to me. in fact i run through all the negative things in my head that she could do to make me really mad, that will make me want to throw something at her dome, has made not like her already and i havent even met her. i know thats not good but if something happens to them or she lays a hand on them in the wrong way i am not sure i could contain myself. i guess i just need to grow up. stinks for the lady because i already dont like her because off all the things i play out in my mind. but she may be the only one we can afford so i guess i better start trying to like her.

anyway i will be praying that everything works out.

1 comment:

  1. Josh, I know this is hard on you. Just know that your friends are praying that this goes great for all of you. As you know, we don't know how this feels personally but you don't have to go through it to know how hard it is.

    Everyone knows that you and Reagan are great parents that do everything you do for those great kids of yours. Don't beat yourselves up. Sometimes life doesn't work out like we think it should but we have to remember God is in control.

    I pray that everyone makes the transition smoothly and in the end you see that this is a great thing for the kids (and Reagan).

    Be strong and trust.