forgivng myself part 2

so after realizing i was not going to qualify for a scholarship i had no idea what i was going to do. i think it never really set in fully what had happened. i had been dating a girl from high school for awhile and remember wanting to stay around town to be close to her. you know the high school puppy love stage.

i did enroll at Northlake College and was going to play ball and maybe get a transfer after a year, but that did not work. i went to one off season practice at the beginning of the year and never went back. there were old white guys who could barely dribble the basketball trying to play and i remember leaving the practice thinking i will never come back to this gym.

let me explain the most important and relevant reason i decided to quit. the actual school work. i had been going to classes for a few weeks and new in my gut i was not going to be able to make the grades, and good enough to transfer.

remember in part one when i said i did nothing in high school as far as school work? well it caught up to me in a big way. i did not have the basic skills and knowledge that it took for college. looking back i know i was not stupid, but i just lacked the skills. so any teachers who pass kids so they can play are only hurting them WORSE in the long run. i am very passionate about that topic. i am not blaming my teachers and i know the responsibility was mine, but being a teenage punk i could have used a good ass whoopin.

i ended up not playing ball again. i never finished the first semester of college and starting working. looking back i had no direction and had no idea what i was doing. my girl friend from high school was a year younger than me and graduated early so we could be together. we got enganged shortly after that and ended up getting an apartment together. i remember being miserable and so mean to her. i really feel bad for the girl looking back on it because i was a jerk. i had no idea how to treat a women.

funny thing is my wife has a similar background in that she also lived with her high school boyfriend from highs school at his parents house. it is really cool how the good Lord worked out our path to meet and how our past are very similar in many ways.

the girl eventually had enough of me and we broke up and went our separate ways. i had a bunch of dead end jobs and was killing myself inside for the way my life had gone. more than anything NOT playing ball. i didn't touch a basketball for the longest time. years. i can not describe in words how i felt about myself and my decisions to goof off in high school thinking it was just one big party, or something you just had to get thru.

every decision you make, even at a young age, effects your future. i had no idea how important high school was and how important grades were. if you read the depression-bi polar post it will explain in more detail why i had a hard time in school, but its not an excuse. i can remember getting a 17 on my history final at the end of my senior year. i still have no idea why my teacher gave me a 70 for the semester so i could graduate. wow....

looking back if i had been able to get a scholarship there is NO way i would have made the grades at a 4yr school. i had no discipline and probably would not have ever made it to class. lol.

so around 2001-02 i was driving a lemo for one of my brothers best friend who had his own company and 2 lemos. this was the worst time in my life. most of my jobs driving were people my brothers friend knew, so they were younger and . knew how to party like i had never seen. i always got to attend the parties or do whatever the group did. i was doing drugs and drinking most of the time, and yes driving a lemo at the same time. i was super depressed and just a misereable person.

the last job i drove was life changing for me. make a long story short i started packing due to the nature of the night life and how most jobs went. lots of stupid drunks out there. anyway i was sitting in the lemo alone and looked at the 357 and had some not so good thoughts go thru my mind. it scared me beyond words can describe. i had enough. He finally broke my knees. I was so tired of doing things on my own and shouldering so much weight. i never drove the lemo again.

my brother took me to Fellowship Church in Grapevine the next Sunday and I rededicated my life to my Savior.

funny thing i just NOW have gotten over not playing ball in college and letting it go.

final installment to come soon..........