depression-bi-polar

this topic has entered my life the past year like a freakin train wreck. i have learned so much since i got married. and now since it directly effects me and my well being i am very sensitive to the topic.

i have to admit my first 26 years of life i knew nothing about depression or bi polar disorder. and because of the way i was raised i thought people who suffered from depression just wanted attention, were geeks with no friends, or just needed to get over it. and i was raised that if you had any problems that were associated with being moody, depressed, or anything associated with not being "normal" you could get thru it with putting your problems in Gods hands and letting Him get you thru it. i will get to this point later, but i struggle big time with this theory.

even today i hate saying i have to take medicine to be a certain way or to achieve a certain state of mind that is bearable to my family. i mean it really sucks that i have to take pills to be nice and not loose my temper, or be agitated so quickly. which let me tell you that it only takes maybe 2 days to have a " i dont give a crap" attitude and to get so mad at the little stuff that i loose my cool and just really want to get in a fight to take out my anger. i will say certain things sometimes when i haven't taken my meds to just start a fight or just say mean things because when someone does something i dont like i will think in my head " are you really that stupid or dumb"? i really will believe that in my head when i am not taking medicine and be really mad about whatever it is.

so i was going to lose my wife because i was an angry mean guy so i finally went to the doctor upon my wife's request so i wouldn't lose her.

So the first time they put me on a depression med and it worked okay, it definitely changed my life from that point. But the big killer was finding out later that i had A-D-D. Now at first i had no idea what that meant and didnt believe it because i was not hyper at all. i am a very laid back guy so i did not get it until i really learned what A-D-D was.

So in a nutshell my brain bounces back and forth between every thought, idea, and everything else that your brain processes. i have a very difficult time concentrating on one thing without my brain going somewhere else, and all over the board at that. so what that means is my brain literally would wear me out to the point i never wanted to talk to my wife because when i got home i was so mentally exhausted all i wanted to do was watch tv and not think. i mean i was not physically tired but for all who really knows what it feels like to be mentally tired and worn out it is almost worse. it really is not fair and not fun.

so now on top of taking a depression med i got another prescription to help my mind slow down and able to concentrate and not be so tired all the time. Adorall (not sure on the spelling) is just really speed. like Ritalin. its really crazy cause you give me speed (adorall) and it slows my mind down to were i can think and concentrate, but if you gave my wife speed she would be bouncing all over the walls.

now the real stinker about this is school. i was the worst student on the planet. i could never pay attention in school. i hated it. my teachers would literally pass me so i could play sports because i just didnt care and never did any work. and a BIG reason is because i would get so frustrated that i couldnt stay focused and i would quit and not do anything. So until i met my wife i honestly thought i was just not a smart person. i mean book smart. i always had great common sense but i was not book smart. if you dont believe me than let me know and i can get real detailed on the whole book vs common sense thing. and my self esteem was crushed because of this. i mean i always acted cool and thought i was hot stuff, but deep down i always knew i was stupid cause i struggled in school so much.

well just an example of how bad it was my senior yr when i had a full education paid for because of my athletic ability i could not score high enough on my SAT to qualify for a athletic scholarship. i never studied for my SAT or took a pre test and walked in to take it for the first time and BOMBED it. i had several schools just waiting for my score to proceed and i was so embarrassed and felt stupid. well i can write a book on teachers passing the good athletes so they can be eligible, and what happened after the test and my whole athletic career. that is later to come.

so anyway, now i am taking two different meds with one being a freakin narcotic to be a certain way. being very competitive i will go thru phases were i think i can do it on my own and not take the meds. it never works. and when i dont take the meds of course the wife can tell and always pulls the " i dont care about her and my family". which i can understand why she says that but its not true and goes way deeper than that.

i hate going to the pharmacy to pick up my meds. i get so embarrassed. i feel like a loser. and partly because the way i was raised and the whole you dont need anything but God. and the other main reason is because the way society treats and looks at people with depression. i used to think the same things. get over it, oh pity party, and on and on.

so this is the main part of my struggle. why do i have to take stupid pills to be a happy person. well my wife is great and i always have to remind myself what she says. " would a cancer patient not take medicine, or someone with a disease not take any medicine"? she tries to tell me that i have a condition that i can not help and is not my fault, and that i need medicine for. so i have been trying to really get that and focus on the fact that its my brain and i cant do anything about it. lets just say work in progress.

just let me tell you that the mind is a crazy thing. i dont need to freak people out but if you dont know anyone with depression or bi polar stuff than please dont judge us and look down on us because that makes us go in the wrong direction.

dang this is getting long. do blog post go this long?

well check this out. my mom was diagnosed with bi polar this summer after taking too many pills in an attempt to end her pain. after a long summer she is doing much better and got on the correct meds to help her, and most importantly my dad has learned what depression and bi polar are so that he no longer (i hope for him) makes it worse for my mom but can actually help her now. again this whole deal with mom and dad will be coming soon on this blog. oh that one will be good.

so i honestly believe that i have some form of bi polar like my mom. it runs ALL over my family and is very hereditary. i am just like my mom in SO many ways. we are the emotional ones in the family to say the least. lets just say very sensitive.

this scares me beyond belief. my meds work great and found a good combo that has made me a new person so i dont even want to go to the doc and mention my mom and bi polar because i know in my gut i am bi polar. and i dont want that official label of bi polar. for some reason i think bi polar sounds and is way worse than just having depression. again the world makes it out to be such a bad thing and makes people who struggle with this stuff feel inadequate and not up to par as "normal" people. if you dont know anything about this topic please dont spit out something stupid about what you think depression is. and for goodness sake please understand depression goes way beyond just feeling down or feeling bad about whatever.

So i have a new friend i met at church who struggles with some of the very same things i do with taking pills to be someone different and wanting to do it on your own so you can be normal and it has been so cool. Shout out to you bro. it has really helped being able to talk to you without being looked at as a freak or weirdo. i am so happy God brought us together.

So as time has gone on with this whole struggle i am getting better with it and learning how to deal with it. i do believe you can do anything with Christ and accomplish anything with Christ so it is hard relying on meds, but maybe God allowed humans to formulate and invent medicine to help his creation. like that old joke with the man waiting at his house and trusting on God when it was flooding to save him, and when the water was at the roof top and a boat and helicopter came to save him and he said no he was waiting on word from God, and God says i sent a boat and a helicopter to save you, or something like that, you get my drift.

peace and love